Ugh. PEOPLE.

M: As you already know, we're not big on people as an overall group. I mean, the odd person here and there is cool. But en masse? I pretty much feel like they're all idiots and it makes me want to cry. A LOT.

L: Word. It hurts my soul when I'm around dumb people. In other words, I'm constantly walking around with the feeling that I'm having a fucking heart attack.

TGI the Fucking Weekend.

M: Look. It's been a rough week. Don't start getting all judgy on the whole bottle of ANYTHING ALCOHOLIC I'm about to consume tonight. Cos it's that or I get stabby, and you're first.

L: Give me swig of that shit...this week's been hella tough on me. Seriously...pass it!

Dieting Is for the Birds.

 

M: Yeah... so about that whole thing where I was going to eat better and get in shape... let's just say they had double chocolate cookies in the lunchroom at work today. 

L: Bahaha...that's one fat ass bird! *cough* I mean, that's one "fluffy" bird...so cute. Also, diets suck. Pass me those french fries.

What Do You Mean I Never Finish Anything?

M: Oh, so you wanna know what I'm going to do this winter? I might do a quarter of a scarf, too. Cos I'm an overachiever.

L: Bahaha! Dude, I still have 2 blankets and an afghan from 3 winters ago. This year, I think I'll try some scarves and baby clothes...you know, for the baby's I don't have.

I Don't Get It.

M: The look on Sherlock's face is like J. when I'm excited about a new book or me when he's excited about a video game tournament. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, their hobbies are just weird.

L: Haha, isn't marriage great? It's funny how we can all relate to this picture. I think I actually made this face as Rusty expressed his nerd-erific excitement over the new Grand Theft Auto. Then again, he totally gets this look when I show off my kick ass crochet project.

If the NSA Watched Me On the Internet...

M: Why I'm pretty sure most of you guys south of the border don't need to be too panicked about this whole NSA watching every move you make online thing.

L: What the fuck...this is totally normal. I mean, not the Nordstroms part, that place is WAY over my budget, but Amazon...now that place I can afford. Honestly though, there are far worst things I do on the internet...I mean, whaaat?

Who You Callin' Grumpy?

M: I love Grumpy Cat (aka Tardar Sauce) so much that I collect him (or is it her? Whatever.). I may or may not also get called "Grumpy Cat" a lot at work. Whatever. I'm a little ray of fucking sunshine.

M: Except in Twilight when it didn't kill the 

vampires; just made them sparkle disturbingly.

M: You do not understand the meaning of the phrase 

"not a morning person" until you've tried to talk to me before 11am.

M: Good movie, though.

M: NOPE.

L: Grumpy Cat has a name?! Wtf. *mind blown* 

It Takes Talent

M: It's true, people do admire my ability to complain. All the time. About EVERYTHING. Seriously, ain't none o' y'all got skills like me.

L: So that's why complaining comes so damn easily. Seriously, if there's was a complain-athon, we'd totally win the shit out of it. We're awesome.

Cookies. Unforgettable.

M: And this is why I cannot buy Oreos anymore.

L: Oh my gawd, now I want Oreos! Not the normal stuff either - give me those double-stuff Oreos. Which reminds me, I have a box of frozen cookies (aka: the best kind) that have been sitting in the freezer for months. Come to mama!

Don't Sass Me

M: Some people just don't take my morning=grumpy rule seriously. They learn. Quickly. (Also I have a total girl crush on Sloan Sabbath. If you haven't watched The Newsroom you should - and pay attention to this li'l firecracker.)

L: I think "sass" is a really underutilized word in my vocabulary. This needs to change cause I like the way it sounds. "Hi, I'm Lin and if you sass me, Imma punch you in the gut". Yep, I'm loving it already. Also, I used to think Olivia Munn was uber hot until she got all "I'm too good for my fellow nerds at G4"...now she's just...one night stand quality.

Owning a Pet is AWESOME.

M: So Lin recently got a puppy. I told her all about how awesome being a pet owner is, how you come to love the little ball of fur that now relies on you for everything and follows you around like a lovesick, scrawny, nerdy teenager who has never been talked to by a girl before. I told her how awesome it is when they curl up next to you on the couch and give you the ability to say you're not drinking alone without lying. What I didn't tell her:

L: That little turd would be out of the house so damn fast if she shit on my carpet. I gotta say though, her following me around like a lovesick teenager is so damn cute but sometimes so damn annoying. It's like I turn around and she's right there like a fucking stalker. Don't event ask how many times I've stepped on her paw by simply moving a quarter of an inch to the left or right. And the cost...holy fuck...goodbye weekend shopping sprees! *crying*

Damn You, Music!

M: This happens to me all. the. time. Today it's that "What Does the Fox Say?" song. You know, the really annoying one.

L: Which one?

     Oh...

      You mean this one...? *evil smile*

   

M: I hate you.

You Ain't SEEN Sexy.

M: You might be a sexy dancer, but you'll never be Kramer-dancing-in-a-wife-beater-and-pleated-pants sexy.

L: Excuse me while I go change my drenched chonies. S-E-X-Y

That One Time My Brother's Girlfriend Made Out With Me...

M: She sure is.

L: I don't know if I should be saying this out loud but I'm gonna anyway...why the hell didn't any of my brothers' girlfriends greet me like this? Pfft. Rude.

Pussy Attacks Pussy

M: Well, that'll put you off doing yoga at home.

L: Bahaha! And here I was thinking this was a hazard only men had to deal with. No lie, this is exactly why I tell Rusty to never be naked around the dog. Jeebus forbid she thinks his hanging fruit is a new toy. Ouch!

How to Compromise

M: For you single ladies and fellas out there, let me tell you a little secret. There comes a point in any long-term co-habitation - be it roommates, partners or marriage - when you start doing this. Now, you're probably thinking, "aw, that's so sad." Before you rush to judgment, consider this. You want to watch Jaws tonight. Your partner/roommate/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/pet cactus wants to watch "real" entertainment, like some boring-ass foreign film where everyone fucks each other in another language and then dies. Once you've got the hang of this quirk, you'll know exactly when to put forth the Jaws idea so your house mate will agree with you, and even though they're not actually listening, it's still binding. Many a difficult compromise has been made in this manner. This is 98% of what marriage counselors teach you. You're welcome.

L: Who needs a fucking marriage counselor when you have Em?! Seriously though, if 8 years of marriage has taught me anything it's that I'm an awful listener and end up agreeing to shit I would normally never want to do. Moral of the story? Pay attention, even when you don't want to (which will be 99% of the time) cause there'll be a time when you'll hypothetically end up agreeing to put something somewhere by the end of the night.

Naked Dreams Are the Best Kind.

M: I can't help it, I have to agree. I *would* have loved it. Excuse me while I try to imagine it. I might be gone a little while...

L: I wouldn't mind seeing him naked but truth is, he's a little too pretty for me. A dude that has better skin than I do can pretty much suck it.

M: He's not my usual type, and definitely better when he forgets to shave for a day or two.

Shut Up and Pour.

M: This is the size of drink I will need to consume tonight to recover from the week I've had. It was not a good one. Who's with me?

L: I think she might be talking about the size of my last ice cream serving. Mmm, ice cream. *drool*

M: But your ice cream will have rum in it. Right?

Knock Knock

M: As long as you  make yourself laugh, buddy.

L: *drops head in shame* Don't worry Chandler, I've totally been there. If no one's around to laugh at your awesome jokes, you gotta do it.

Fishy

M: There are some days when everything feels overwhelming and all I can handle doing all day is this. Then taking a nap.

L: When I was a kid I used to walk around making that fish face. I'm sure people thought I was fucking strange. Probably explains why all of my friends were cabbage patch kids.