If the NSA Watched Me On the Internet...

M: Why I'm pretty sure most of you guys south of the border don't need to be too panicked about this whole NSA watching every move you make online thing.

L: What the fuck...this is totally normal. I mean, not the Nordstroms part, that place is WAY over my budget, but Amazon...now that place I can afford. Honestly though, there are far worst things I do on the internet...I mean, whaaat?

Who You Callin' Grumpy?

M: I love Grumpy Cat (aka Tardar Sauce) so much that I collect him (or is it her? Whatever.). I may or may not also get called "Grumpy Cat" a lot at work. Whatever. I'm a little ray of fucking sunshine.

M: Except in Twilight when it didn't kill the 

vampires; just made them sparkle disturbingly.

M: You do not understand the meaning of the phrase 

"not a morning person" until you've tried to talk to me before 11am.

M: Good movie, though.

M: NOPE.

L: Grumpy Cat has a name?! Wtf. *mind blown* 

It Takes Talent

M: It's true, people do admire my ability to complain. All the time. About EVERYTHING. Seriously, ain't none o' y'all got skills like me.

L: So that's why complaining comes so damn easily. Seriously, if there's was a complain-athon, we'd totally win the shit out of it. We're awesome.

Cookies. Unforgettable.

M: And this is why I cannot buy Oreos anymore.

L: Oh my gawd, now I want Oreos! Not the normal stuff either - give me those double-stuff Oreos. Which reminds me, I have a box of frozen cookies (aka: the best kind) that have been sitting in the freezer for months. Come to mama!

Don't Sass Me

M: Some people just don't take my morning=grumpy rule seriously. They learn. Quickly. (Also I have a total girl crush on Sloan Sabbath. If you haven't watched The Newsroom you should - and pay attention to this li'l firecracker.)

L: I think "sass" is a really underutilized word in my vocabulary. This needs to change cause I like the way it sounds. "Hi, I'm Lin and if you sass me, Imma punch you in the gut". Yep, I'm loving it already. Also, I used to think Olivia Munn was uber hot until she got all "I'm too good for my fellow nerds at G4"...now she's just...one night stand quality.

Owning a Pet is AWESOME.

M: So Lin recently got a puppy. I told her all about how awesome being a pet owner is, how you come to love the little ball of fur that now relies on you for everything and follows you around like a lovesick, scrawny, nerdy teenager who has never been talked to by a girl before. I told her how awesome it is when they curl up next to you on the couch and give you the ability to say you're not drinking alone without lying. What I didn't tell her:

L: That little turd would be out of the house so damn fast if she shit on my carpet. I gotta say though, her following me around like a lovesick teenager is so damn cute but sometimes so damn annoying. It's like I turn around and she's right there like a fucking stalker. Don't event ask how many times I've stepped on her paw by simply moving a quarter of an inch to the left or right. And the cost...holy fuck...goodbye weekend shopping sprees! *crying*

Damn You, Music!

M: This happens to me all. the. time. Today it's that "What Does the Fox Say?" song. You know, the really annoying one.

L: Which one?

     Oh...

      You mean this one...? *evil smile*

   

M: I hate you.

You Ain't SEEN Sexy.

M: You might be a sexy dancer, but you'll never be Kramer-dancing-in-a-wife-beater-and-pleated-pants sexy.

L: Excuse me while I go change my drenched chonies. S-E-X-Y

That One Time My Brother's Girlfriend Made Out With Me...

M: She sure is.

L: I don't know if I should be saying this out loud but I'm gonna anyway...why the hell didn't any of my brothers' girlfriends greet me like this? Pfft. Rude.

Pussy Attacks Pussy

M: Well, that'll put you off doing yoga at home.

L: Bahaha! And here I was thinking this was a hazard only men had to deal with. No lie, this is exactly why I tell Rusty to never be naked around the dog. Jeebus forbid she thinks his hanging fruit is a new toy. Ouch!

How to Compromise

M: For you single ladies and fellas out there, let me tell you a little secret. There comes a point in any long-term co-habitation - be it roommates, partners or marriage - when you start doing this. Now, you're probably thinking, "aw, that's so sad." Before you rush to judgment, consider this. You want to watch Jaws tonight. Your partner/roommate/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/pet cactus wants to watch "real" entertainment, like some boring-ass foreign film where everyone fucks each other in another language and then dies. Once you've got the hang of this quirk, you'll know exactly when to put forth the Jaws idea so your house mate will agree with you, and even though they're not actually listening, it's still binding. Many a difficult compromise has been made in this manner. This is 98% of what marriage counselors teach you. You're welcome.

L: Who needs a fucking marriage counselor when you have Em?! Seriously though, if 8 years of marriage has taught me anything it's that I'm an awful listener and end up agreeing to shit I would normally never want to do. Moral of the story? Pay attention, even when you don't want to (which will be 99% of the time) cause there'll be a time when you'll hypothetically end up agreeing to put something somewhere by the end of the night.

Naked Dreams Are the Best Kind.

M: I can't help it, I have to agree. I *would* have loved it. Excuse me while I try to imagine it. I might be gone a little while...

L: I wouldn't mind seeing him naked but truth is, he's a little too pretty for me. A dude that has better skin than I do can pretty much suck it.

M: He's not my usual type, and definitely better when he forgets to shave for a day or two.

Shut Up and Pour.

M: This is the size of drink I will need to consume tonight to recover from the week I've had. It was not a good one. Who's with me?

L: I think she might be talking about the size of my last ice cream serving. Mmm, ice cream. *drool*

M: But your ice cream will have rum in it. Right?

Knock Knock

M: As long as you  make yourself laugh, buddy.

L: *drops head in shame* Don't worry Chandler, I've totally been there. If no one's around to laugh at your awesome jokes, you gotta do it.

Fishy

M: There are some days when everything feels overwhelming and all I can handle doing all day is this. Then taking a nap.

L: When I was a kid I used to walk around making that fish face. I'm sure people thought I was fucking strange. Probably explains why all of my friends were cabbage patch kids.

City Survival Tips

M: My iPod is like a barrier between me and the real world that allows me to use public transit without killing anyone. Or worse, having to talk to them.

L: Funny, that's exactly what it does for me at family functions. I'll take public transit crazies over my insane family any fucking day. Seriously, if my family would just judge from afar like strangers versus saying that shit out loud it'd be totally gravy.

Hurry the Fuck Up

M: I am not a patient person. Never have been, and years of living in a city have made me even less patient. Nothing irritates me more than people who take forever to move - particularly getting on and off the bus/train. It makes me want to smack them in the back of the head repeatedly until they get the fuck outta my way.

L: Patience? Heard of it, don't have an ounce of it in me. I get annoyed when I have to wait the one micro-second that it takes for my super-almost-lighting-speed phone to load a message. Getting anything through the drive-thru is the absolute worst because I expect to get my food or Starbucks coffee hella fast...something that almost never happens.

Please Go Away, You're Bothering Me.

M: Look, there's no point in pretending. We know you all get this because, well... you're here reading this, aren't you?

L: Bahaha! Oh, the websites I could share with you all. Seriously, there are some fucked up, yet very entertaining things on the internet. Now excuse me while I go look some of that up.

Everyone Should Get to Feel Like a Rock Star At Least Once.

M: Having that awesome, once in a lifetime Jimi Hendrix moment where you burn your instrument doesn't work out as well when you play the piano. Trust me.

L: And it sure as hell doesn't work when you don't play any instruments. I mean, I suppose I could burn my yarn and crochet hook. Yeah, that's totally fucking rock-star!

#Hashtag #DontPeeYourPants #OrItDidntHappen #HowYouSoundOnHashtags

M: These two just crack me up. I never really knew anything about Jimmy Fallon or liked Justin Timberlake much (yes, I judged him unfairly for that Britney Spears/boy band phase) until I saw this video, in which they perform the history of rap. I am a huge hip hop fan, so this had me in hysterics. Since then I pretty much think they're awesome. This didn't disappoint.#DoIt #ImNotSorry #SoFunny

L: Bahaha..."Hashtag, shut the fuck up" - on that note, I'd totally take JT for a test drive. And by "test drive," I mean sex. Jimmy Fallon really sounds like Ray Romano. Never realized how annoying and nasally his voice is until just now. Thanks for ruining Everybody Loves Raymond for me, Jimmy. Fuck.

Damn Girl Has Big Feet

M: Sometimes a guy just needs to be his own fairy princess. Don't judge.

L: I'm not one to judge all that much but I knew homeboy was a little too pretty.

Evil Little Fuckers.

M: Look, I know avocados are good for you. I know that guac is made out of them, and therefore we should worship them. But damn if they aren't impossible to catch at the perfect ripeness.

L: Ain't this the damn truth. They're super delicious but those little fuckers can go from hard as a rock to soft as an overripe banana in a matter of hours. Not cool yo.

Oh, Like You Actually Care Anyway.

M: Me when people try to be friendly in the morning and out of politeness I respond with, "I'm fine thanks, and how are you?"

L: Sometimes I wish I could just punch people in the face when they talk to me in the morning. Unless of course they're handing me food...I'll be your best fucking friend if you have food.

Reading Is Sexy

M: Well she *does* have nice ankles. Can't really blame a bloke for staring.

L: All I gotta say is, where the fuck was this librarian when I practically lived in the library? The lady we had working the front desk was old and very round and a pretty big bitch. Her only job was to direct me to the correct cook section and she couldn't even do that shit right. She's probably the reason e-books happened haha.

The Most Important Undies in the Drawer.

M: I mean, it's not like any of you are organized, proper grown ups who have a regular laundry day and an adequate supply of nice undies, or you wouldn't be here. Right? RIGHT???!!?!?!

L: Word. I know it's time to get on the laundry train when all I have left are my old ass, saggy, cotton granny panties (aka aunt flow undies). Sad part is, there will be many times when I'll choose to wear the old saggy cotton instead of the lace thongs. What can I say, I prefer comfort in my old age.

Jack's Booty Text

M: It's like all those people who complain about drunk texts don't actually understand how alcohol works.

L: Jack, you shameful bastard. Dude's always getting psycho ex-girlfriends in trouble by dialing that phone number and leaving sob filled pathetic messages.

When Country Folk Visit the Big City

M: But sure, I'll walk you to the train station cos you're scared of the city at night. You're totally safe with me.

L: Street smarts is my middle name. I'm totally thug, yo. Like, I buy food off of roach coaches that most likely have expired business licenses. Mmhmm.

M: Yeah.... that's not the kind of street cred I was talking about. Unless those roaches tried to hold you up at gunpoint or followed you two blocks yelling about how God was gonna smite you.

Dude, I Was BORN an 80-Year-Old Man.

M: I'm like that crotchety old man who stands out on his porch and yells at all the kids who are making noise in the street and curses at the birds in the morning. I'm basically Boo Radley. And I'm totally cool with that. Give me another year and I'll start regaling strangers on the bus with stories about how shit went down "in my day."

L: Nick...so not hot and yet, I find myself wanting to jump his bones. Getting old though, sucks. I've realized I've started to say "this isn't music. Shit, back in MY day..." Yes, because the 90's were so goddamn long ago. Also, I think I'm remembering the 90's being a lot cooler than they actually were. Lame. *said in Cartman voice*

M: Also because this is a post about being old and crotchety, I feel like it's okay for me to point out that it's '90s, not 90's. Geez, Lin. Set an example for the kids, why don'tcha?

Talking Bellies Are Fun Bellies

L: Bahaha, I couldn't stop laughing at this comic cause I can totally make my belly talk too! I've actually stood in front of the mirror and squeezed it til it had it a crease down the middle, hot dog style. Fuck it, if you can't chop it off, might as well have fun with it, right? Right.

M: I'm fully in favour of Lin's talking belly. I think you should all go over to her house and have a go.